Stinky mummy

Publicado em , por Pedro Couto e Santos

With my aunt and her boyfriend, my cousin, my sister and my wife, I set out to go see “The Mummy”. Light entertainment… a nice fun movie, a good way to spend a nice time.

The theatre was full except for a few seats, two of which, to the right of my wife’s chair. We sat… we waited.

A couple of men came and sat on the free seats. It was immediately obvious to my wife that the one closest to her stank. He simply stank. He smelled so bad, that, soon enough, I was feeling it, two seats away.

Just before the movie started I, like a good gentleman, offered to take my wife’s place next to the stinker and endure the pain. I had no idea that it would actually be painful.

I can take it – I said to myself – after all… how bad can a person smell?

I had no idea. It is indescribable… describing smells is very difficult, it’s what makes Suskind’s book “The Perfume”, so good… he can do it. But I can’t… so I’ll never be able to fully explain the nausea, the sickening feeling I had throughout the film.

The stench reached such levels that the man sitting to the right of the stinker, simply left – to get another seat, I suppose. I couldn’t leave… I mean I wouldn’t, I was there with my friends and not about to go away. So I took it like a man.

What an experience!

As soon as he left I could tell the difference, but I was still sick for at least an hour. How is this possible? I mean he looked OK, nicely dressed, new clothes, his hair looked fixed, his face shaved… so how come he didn’t bathe? Why are people disgusting? This man hasn’t had a bath for months! He smelled so bad, I couldn’t even tell what he smelled of! I mean… if he’d been working, got off and decided to go to a movie for relaxing and smelled a bit of sweat, I could understand… it isn’t nice, but OK, maybe he didn’t have time to go home and wash…

But this guy stank of something else… of everything else… combine every bad smell you ever felt and this is what he smelled like! This is a guy that has paid 4 Euro to come see a movie, but, apparently, couldn’t afford a soap and a bit of water!

With examples like this… no wonder Americans think Europeans don’t wash! (of course Europeans think Americans don’t have brains, but that’s another story).

At the end of the movie I did something you can try yourselves for a nice laugh… As my aunt, sister and cousin sat quietly reading the titles, the room still dark, I crawled on my hands and knees through the row in front of ours (which was already empty)… with perfect timing I jumped up screaming, just like… euh… a mummy! :)

They freaked out, obviously. It was worth the stench-torture.


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